The Narcissism Problem

Ecclesiastes 2:1-17; 12:13-14

It’s not about you.

Use of the word narcissism rose dramatically in recent years. We know this from Google search occurrences as well as occurrences in books, magazines, newspapers, and social media. Usage was near zero in the 1970s, but since the publication of books like The Culture of Narcissism (Christopher Lasch, 1979), the term has become increasingly popular. In 2023, it was one of the top searched psychological terms.

We can classify how we use the term into two categories – clinical and popular. Clinical refers to a state-licensed psychologist assigning this term to a person. Popular refers to how everyone else uses the term to describe people they believe to be such a person.
The official, clinical (APA) definition of the term is as follows:

a personality disorder with the following characteristics: (a) a long-standing pattern of grandiose self-importance and an exaggerated sense of talent and achievements; (b) fantasies of unlimited [gratification and indulgence]; (c) an exhibitionistic need for attention and admiration; (d) either cool indifference or feelings of rage, humiliation, or emptiness as a response to criticism, indifference, or defeat; and (e) various interpersonal disturbances, such as feeling entitled to special favors, taking advantage of others, and inability to empathize with the feelings of others.

This definition was created by one psychologist and two psychoanalysts. For a person to be diagnosed with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), a certified professional must identify at least five of these characteristics. This is a small percentage of people.

The more common use of this term, though, is the popular way. When a person experiences what they perceive to be pronounced selfishness from another person, they say, “that person is a narcissist” and will Google the term to verify their impression. Here are some humorous takes on this subject:

• If your favorite keyboard shortcut is Ctrl U, you might be a narcissist.
• If you love air because it’s all about you, you might be a narcissist.
• If a friend asks you if you think he’s a narcissist and you sigh and respond, “It’s not always about you, you know,” you might be a narcissist.

Many people have been called narcissists by other people and many people who are called narcissists think to themselves, “If anyone is a narcissist, it’s not me but you.” And so, the finger-pointing begins. Such claims and conversations are all too common. Have you been called a narcissist? Have you been tempted to call someone else a narcissist?

Professionals say there may be genetic, biological, or environmental reasons for this behavior, with some suggesting a combination of the three; but in reality, no person actually knows with any certainty where such behavior comes from. In reality, is narcissism actually a distinct psychological problem or is it something else?

When we speak about narcissism, we’re ultimately talking about a spiritual problem. The professional APA definition of this term is rather abstract and subjective. After all, it’s what two psychoanalysts and a psychologist came up with, but this is hardly a clear condition with any concrete scientific basis. What it seems to be, instead, is an excessive, pronounced, and very predictable manifestation of selfishness based on observation.

What’s fascinating about the rise in so-called narcissism is how the conversation and interest in this concept seems to parallel the rise in our culture’s emphasis and promotion of self-esteem and “self-love.” While we speak out against narcissism on one hand (as bad), we promote self-esteem and encourage “self-love” on the other (as good). Is it possible that our focus on self-esteem and “self-love” has actually encouraged the rise in what we call narcissism? Most importantly, how should we think about this problem from a biblical standpoint?

Today, let’s gain some biblical perspective for how to think about narcissism. And since the APA definition of narcissism is nothing more than a collection of distinctively selfish behaviors and characteristics, I will address the problem as a strong manifestation of selfishness – which is something for which God has a real solution.

Selfishness is a mindset that disregards both God and others to pursue personal desires instead.  

This description makes a distinction between what we often call “self-care” on one hand and “self-centeredness” on the other. And this is an important distinction to make, because one is good and essential while the other is sinful.

• “Self-care” refers to making taking proper care of yourself, making responsible choices which encourage your own spiritual, physical, and emotional health. If you do not take care of yourself, then how can you worship God or take care of others well? This is why soldiers must get adequate physical exercise and why pilots must get adequate sleep. Sleep pilots aren’t safe, right? The following are two good examples of this from Scripture, the first speaks of physical health and the other of spiritual health.

I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified. (1 Cor 9:27)

Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Lk 6:3-5)

Unfortunately, we can easily shift our focus from taking proper care of ourselves to indulging and pampering ourselves. This is the problem of being “self-centered” or selfish. We do this when we develop an oversized sense of self-importance and an inflated, exaggerated sense of what our needs really are.

All human beings have a natural, sinful tendency to be self-centered, self-seeking people who seek our own gratification and happiness at the expense of others, and we also naturally do so with little genuine regard for honoring and pleasing God first of all.

Romans 1:25 tells us how this started:

[We] exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator …

What is “the lie” that we traded away the truth of God to believe? Gen 3:5 tells us that it was the lie from Satan that we deserve to be treated like God. This is the root problem of selfishness – it is treating myself as importantly as or more importantly than God. 2 Tim 3:1-2 tells us that this was not only a problem at the beginning of human existence, but it is a serious problem today, as well.

Know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves …

In this verse, Paul goes on to list nineteen sinful attitudes and qualities that will characterize people living today in our time, but the first of these sins which is the root of them all is “lovers of themselves.” This describes people who make pleasing themself the number one priority in their life. Jam 3:14-15 urges us to diagnose this problem in our own hearts and abandon it if symptoms exist:

If you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth.

“Self-seeking” describes a willingness to fight to see your own personal ambitions fulfilled, even if it hurts other people. If you see evidence of this tendency in your life, then be aware that this tendency is not from God but has evil, demonic, devilish origins. Phil 2:3-4 says even more about this tendency:

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.

Here, Paul also urges us remove all “selfish ambition” from our lives. He also says to do nothing with the motive of “conceit,” which refers to excessive ambitions and personal recognition. He also warns not to “look out for your own things,” which means not to make your own desires, interests, opinions, and preferences the thing your primary focus.

So, if narcissism is “excessive selfishness,” then isn’t this what these statements from Jesus, James, and Paul are warning against – and don’t their warnings indicate that this is a more general, widespread human problem, not an isolated one unique to certain outlying individuals? And if so, we must also acknowledge that it is entirely possible – even expected – that a genuine follower of Christ not only can but must be able to acknowledge this tendency in his or her life and turn away from it.

Though some people may (and I say may very cautiously) have an excessive, pronounced set of selfish behaviors and tendencies due to mysterious biological, genetic, or environmental factors, even then what we’re talking about is a pronounced sinful behavior – sinful behaviors due to a deeply rooted self-centered, self-focused heart, something which the gospel can transform and overcome.

When we speak about narcissism, what we’re often doing is claiming that another person is more selfish than I am, implying somehow that whatever selfishness I may exhibit is more normal and understandable, deserving of grace and patience on the part of others, while the person I call a narcissist is exhibiting selfishness on an abnormal, intolerable level, thereby excusing me from responding to them with the grace that I myself desire.

Here, we must remind ourselves:

Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. (Lk 6:1-2)

A little boy and his younger sister were riding a toy rocking horse together. The boy said to his sister, in a frustrated tone, “If one of us would get of the horse, there would be more room for me!” Have you ever felt the same way? Saying to yourself, “If one of us would just stop being a narcissist, life would be so much easier for me!”

As a pastor, I’m convinced we live in a society as Paul predicted in which vast numbers of people are, indeed, “lovers of their own selves” (2 Tim 3:2). Call this an epidemic of narcissism if you will, but we can be more helpful and call it a strong, widespread self-centeredness which infects us all far more deeply than we care to admit. And rather than solving that problem in our own hearts, we find it easier to diagnose others instead.

Let’s read from the journal of a person who lived an excessively selfish lifestyle. As we do, we’ll see how their excessively selfish lifestyle failed to satisfy their desire for a meaningful life. Then we’ll see the solution to this spiritual problem which he discovered.

A self-centered life is ultimately unsatisfying.

Ecclesiastes 2:1-17

Let’s read from the journal of a person who lived an excessively selfish lifestyle. As we do, we’ll see how their excessively selfish lifestyle failed to satisfy their desire for a meaningful life. Then we’ll see the solution to this spiritual problem which he discovered.

This passage is a short sample of what most of the rest of this book describes. It describes a grand experiment performed by a man named King Solomon, who set out to experience to the full whatever pleasure he could imagine. He was able to do this because of his great and excessive power and wealth as a king.

According to Scripture, King Solomon was the wisest, wealthiest, most powerful person alive in his day. As a man in this very unique position, he decided to put all his energy, power, and resources into pursuing and experiencing anything he could want and enjoy. He said to himself “in his heart” “I will test you with mirth; therefore enjoy pleasure” (2:2). Then he said out loud (2:10):

Whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them. I did not withhold my heart from any pleasure.

According to his own words, he pursued a lot of things:

• Comedy and humor – laughter (2:2)
• Celebration and parties (2:2)
• Alcohol (2:3)
• Education and study – wisdom (2:3)
• Building numerous impressive houses (2:4)
• Planted numerous vineyards (grapes), gardens (flowers), orchards (fruit), and fruit trees (2:4-5)
• Installed impressive pools and irrigation systems (2:6)
• Employed large teams and staffs of servants and employees to do whatever he asked (2:7)
• Bred and purchased large herds of cattle and flocks of goats and sheep – more than anyone else had ever done in that region before (2:7)
• Accumulated vast amounts of silver and gold, as well as treasures from kings and other nations (2:8)
• Accumulated large male and female singers and musicians with elite skills, along with all sorts of musical instruments, too (2:8)
• According to 1 Kgs 11:3, we also know that King Solomon married 1,000 wives.

A key mark of all these things that Solomon pursued for himself here is that he did this for his own benefit and at the expense of other people. He also did these things without regard for God, disregarding God’s commands and purpose for his life.

The immediate result of this pursuit of self-gratification was that he became more powerful, exceptional, and skillful than anyone else in the world. But at the end of all these selfish pursuits and grand accomplishments and experiences, he concluded that all that he had accomplished was “vanity” and “grasping for the wind.” There were no real, good, lasting benefits from any of these pursuits in themselves.

What’s fascinating about these things he pursued is that many, if not most, were not themselves sinful – though marrying 1,000 wives was a serious problem for sure. The root problem with all these pursuits was not their inherent sinfulness but that Solomon pursued these things in an excessive way and for selfish reasons. He did not pursue these things for the glory of God and the benefit of other people. As a result, these amazing accomplishments and experiences left him feeling far from satisfied (Eccl 2:17):

Therefore I hated life because the work that was done under the sun was distressing to me, for all is vanity and grasping for the wind.

To “hate” here means to strongly dislike and to be “distressed” means to feel grief and sorrow rather than happiness and satisfaction and to find little value in life not much. When a person devotes his or her life to fulfilling their own desires – even good ones – at the expense of God and others, they will ultimately experience sadness and disappointment. So, if this is the case, then what is the solution? At the end of Ecclesiastes, King Solomon gives us a better perspective. How can we turn from our self-centered, self-focused, self-gratifying mindset to a mindset that will not leave us with regrets in the end?

A God-centered life is ultimately satisfying.

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: fear God and keep His commandments, for this is man’s all. For God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing, whether good or evil.

After devoting himself to fulfilling his heart’s desires, Solomon concluded that it would be far better if he had devoted himself to fearing God instead. What does it mean to fear God? Simply put, to fear God means to may attention to pursue what God desires over your own desires. And to know what God desires you must know “his commands,” which means to know what his Word says so that you can pursue that from your heart. In other words, we should pay attention to what God’s Word says than what your heart says.

“This is man’s all” means something like “this is for every person” or “this applies to every person” or “this is the duty of every person.” In the end, God will hold every person accountable not for how many great things they accomplished in this life or how many personal desires and goals they fulfilled, but for how greatly they devoted themselves to fulfilling his own desires for them. This is true for every person.

This idea that we are most genuinely fulfilled and satisfied when we put fulfilling God’s desires over our own was at the heart of Jesus Christ’s teaching, too.

Jesus answered him, “The first of all the commandments is: ‘Hear, O Israel, the LORD our God, the LORD is one. And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

Here Jesus makes a very important connection. He connects elevating and pursuing God’s desires to loving and serving other people. The Apostle John does the same thing when he says (1 Jn 4:20):

He who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen?

To solve the problem of selfishness in your heart, the solution is to pursue God’s desires instead – as revealed in his Word – and when we do that, we’ll find ourselves making others a priority over ourselves.

I know you’re not King Solomon – you don’t have unlimited wealth and power to pursue your hearts desires. But as Americans, we have far more freedom, resources, and wealth than most people in the world – and we’re products of a culture that which widely mistakes “self-love” for “self-care,” encouraging us to disregard God and others to pursue personal desires instead. There should be no surprise, then, that we are also experiencing high levels of what we’ve come to call “narcissism” as well as high levels of anxiety and disappointment. But there is a better way. “Fear God and keep his commandments.” “Love God and love others first.”

It’s not about you – it’s about God [and others.]

To conclude, let me leave you with two questions to carry home and ask in the quiet of your own heart before God. I will ask these questions of your choices this past week, but may we ask ourselves these questions of our choices in the week ahead, as well:

• First, when you examine the real motives behind your choices this past week—your time, money, words, activities, actions—whose pleasure and glory were you pursuing most: your own or the God’s? And when you stand before God someday, will you be able to say that you made your choices in order to please him?
• Second, if the people closest to you—your spouse, your children, your roommate, your church family—were asked to describe the center of your life, would they honestly say, “Jesus and us,” or would they hesitate and finally say “mostly him/herself”?

The good news is that you do not have to stay trapped in the empty pursuits that Solomon described for our benefit. Jesus Christ, who had every right to demand that the universe revolve around Him, came to do God’s will and serve people instead, which meant he suffered quite a bit and eventually died on the cross because of our selfishness. In Him we have both the perfect model and the living power to put selfishness to death daily.

Repent of your sinful selfishness and turn to Christ for salvation. Then devote yourself to pursuing his desires and loving others over yourself on a daily basis and in a heartfelt way. The life you’ve been chasing through self-centeredness is found only when you lose yourself in loving God and others first. Rather than point the finger at someone you believe is a narcissist, focus on your own heart instead. This the whole duty of man and the life Jesus died and rose to give you.

May we not be like the boy on the rocking horse, but be one who would say instead, “Please, let me get off the horse so there is more room for you.”

Picture your phone lighting up with a group text from your family planning this week’s Thanksgiving get-together. Someone suggests hosting it at Aunt Mary’s because her house is bigger and she’s been lonely since Uncle Mike died. Immediately your mind starts calculating: two-hour drive each way, kids will be cranky, the couch is lumpy, and you were really looking forward to sleeping in and watching football in your own living room. Within seconds you’re typing a reply about how busy you are, how the kids have activities, how it’s just not convenient this year.

Then you pause, finger hovering over “send,” and you quietly remember today’s sermon: “It’s not about you.” In that moment the whole sermon unlocks your heart like a key in a lock: the same heart that sees everyone else’s selfishness so well.

Thanksgiving isn’t a line item on your happiness schedule; it’s a chance to love God by loving the people He’s given you—even when it costs you sleep, convenience, money, and the perfect turkey nap. So, you delete your message and type “We’ll be there—can’t wait,” and hit send.

The day will still be tiring, but something shifts inside: for one special afternoon the world no longer revolves around your preferences, and you taste the beginning of the only life that is truly life. That basic truth—“it’s not about you”—is one step forward in “fearing God and keeping his commands” and of “loving God and others” rather than yourself.